Life – Technically Educ8ed

Parenting (not Aggravating) in the Wonder Years

July 29, 2016 chadkuhn No Comments Life, Netflix, Parenting

I love Netflix. I love the freedom to watch what I want, when I want, to pause or rewind (do we still “rewind” anything?), to let let the rest of life to take priority over my entertainment. When I sit down to watch something, I love the selection. Rachel and I have really enjoyed watching Blue Bloods. I like shows with strong male figures, and enjoy studying their strengths and weaknesses, the ways they engage their work and family. I often compare the roles I see the Blue Bloods with the writings of John Eldredge and the stages of manhood he describes in The Way of the Wild at Heart.

But recently I found the Wonder Years on Netflix. I completely missed it when it was on TV when I was a preteen. The show’s use of language, and realistic exploration of sexual themes meant it was something I wasn’t allowed to watch. I didn’t even realize that the show (based in the late ’60s and early ’70s) was on TV in the late ’80s until I noticed Mark Paul Gosselaar in an episode and found that he was in Saved by the Bell (which I did watch) just one year later.

The Wonder Years turns out to be another show where I study men and boys and their roles and interactions. Just a few episodes in and I already see too much of myself in the grumpy, self-absorbed Jack. He’s the dad who comes home from work, barks at the kids for being kids, has little time for questions, and wants to be left alone. In one episode, the narrator, the adult voice of the 12 year-old main character Kevin, reminisces about the times, few and far between, when his dad dropped the grumpy, self-absorbed personality, and played, having fun and delighting in his family and kids. Kevin wished those times would never end. But they did. Kevin hoped that they would return often. But they didn’t.

Way too often, I’m pretty much Jack- at least I feel like it, whether I completely act it out like he does or not. I don’t want my children to be afraid to approach me. I don’t want to miss out on their wonder years. I don’t want them to grow up to wonder if things could have been different. As I was dealing with these thoughts and feeling my shortcomings, I sat down to read my Bible this morning and came to Paul’s instructions for Christian households in Colossians 3.

Fathers, do not aggravate your children, or they will become discouraged. Colossians 3:21 NLT

Lord, help me to parent in a way that is not aggravating, help me choose to delight in my children and encourage them in Your ways. Continue to speak to me through Your Word and Spirit.

Teaching My Boys Life Lessons

May 10, 2015 chadkuhn No Comments Life

I have a 13 year-old son who will be in 8th grade this fall, and we haven’t had “The Talk.”¹

We “Talk” all the time, at nearly every opportunity. Sometimes it’s uncomfortable. Sometimes it’s not. Sometimes it’s short. Sometimes it’s not. Sometimes it’s serious. Sometimes I’m ready. Sometimes I’m not. Sometimes I’d rather not. But it always worth it.

The world provides countless stimuli for me to teach my boys about creation (and procreation), values (and trash), and terminology (and innuendo). I try to take those situations and cultivate conversations that draw out what they think/know and then explain relationships, and respect, values and love, natural and perverted.

Once riding in the van with only my oldest, “Blurred Lines” came on the radio. Rather than change the station, we listened. Then I explained about every clinical and street use of the B-word. We made a quick stop immediately after the song (I think we had even waited in the car for it to finish). When we got back in the car, the station was immediately changed to K-Love, and not by me. Apparently, that talk was over and guy on the other side of it wasn’t eager for another one any time soon. But I had conveyed a message about treating women with respect.

A few days ago, I tried to run a hose from our basement dehumidifier to the sump pump, but the appropriate end of the hose wouldn’t fit in the dehumidifier. Turning around, I noticed my oldest walking by. “Hey, Bud, are you ready for another short sex talk?”

“Uh, sure. Why not.” He responded, with a grin that said, It doesn’t matter what I say. I just hope it really is quick!

Two minutes later we had finished a discussion of male and female parts and adapters in plumbing, electrical, A/V, etc. “Well, that sure makes sense and is the quickest way to explain what part you need.” And I had demonstrated that we don’t have to giggle and snort about like Beavis and Butthead when sexual terms are used.

Then our TWO of our cats got pregnant. My middle son, the one with a literal, logical, “black-and-white brain,” asked how they got that way. Well… I wasn’t ready for that one right then, but he had recently had a conversation with Rachel that when something like, “Dad hasn’t told me about sex yet. Ryan knows about sex, but I don’t. When is Dad going to talk with me.” So a few days later, he got to run an errand with me. and we talked (about CATS, I emphasized). Then, he asked, “Wait, is it that way with humans, too? So you had to do that to Mom to make us? OUCH!” Ready or not, I got to convey that God made sex for specific situations², and in those situations it is not gross and should not be painful.

Then there was today with my nine year old:

Facebook Post — If I call that number, I get something free. I just don’t understand what.

Like my rambling hashtags demonstrate, this situation didn’t call for anything more than “need to know” information. I hope he (and his brothers) learned that there is stuff out there that they don’t need to know yet, but that they will learn at the right time.

We’ll have the next “Talk” soon enough, ready or not.

1- I wrote this opening sentence and realized it reads like a “clickbait” headline on Facebook, but I’m leaving it anyway.

2- I almost ended this conversation, when I remembered which child I was talking to. Joel’s Aspergers gives him that literal mind I mentioned earlier. It also limits his filtering and hinders his understanding of what is socially acceptable, so we talked about avoiding judgemental speech. We talked about how the difficult situation for Hattie’s birth mother had been used by God to bless us with the sister he was sitting beside in the car.

Airport Romance

August 5, 2014 chadkuhn No Comments Life, Marriage

Almost fifteen years ago I picked my wife up from the airport for the first time. She was my fiancée then, and was coming home early from Guatemala to surprise her family for Christmas (a great story in itself). I had not seen her for almost 3 weeks, since we left school for Christmas break. I got there in plenty of time, mostly because I have a penchant for going the wrong way, getting lost and even more lost. Everything had gone well, even without a smart phone and GPS (I don’t know how I ever did it!). I bought a best-selling paper back from the book store and started reading Harry Potter for the first time. And I waited. I waited anxiously for her to come through the gate. This was of course, before 9/11, so I could stand right in front of the gate and watch as each person came through the door. The moment I saw her, I was struck by how beautiful she was, the most beautiful face getting off the plane.

Now 15 years later, I no longer get to stand right at the gate. I have picked her up and dropped her off for more flights than I ever could have imagined and I no longer go alone. Tonight I’ll be picking her up when she returns from the Dominican Republic, and I’ll have all four of our children with me. But, she is still the most beautiful face getting off the plane.

I guess is true what they say about absence, because homecomings are awesome. I can’t wait to see her face tonight.

Lost: Praying for Spiritual Awakening at Parque de Las Condes

July 24, 2014 chadkuhn No Comments Life, Mission

As those at Love Extreme Ecuador (#LXEcuador) embark on a prayer adventure in Ambato, Ecuador, I am reminded of my prayer walk at Love Extreme in Peru last year. Today, I pray with those in Ecuador. Below is a post I wrote July 19, 2013.

Our first full day in Peru started with a prayer walk. We were told that we would be taken around the city and given different prayer topics and information at each stop along the way. I was looking forward to intentional prayer, some decent exercise and several interesting views of the city.

Our first stop was almost more than I could handle. When I take the time and really focus on God and what He wants, amazing things happen. I entered El Parque de Las Condes (The Park of the Condors) and began walking around the park, past elevated flower beds, trees, a giant bird cage and a complex system of concrete irrigation channels. As I approached the far end of the park, with its now-dry pool surrounding an island reachable by concrete (everything is concrete here) bridge, and its dusty soccer field, I noticed a flyer taped to a pole. “Perrito cocker spaniel perdido.” (Lost little cocker spaniel dog.) The flyer was dated February 1. Behind my sunglasses, tears began to well up.Now I haven’t been always been a pet person; in fact I wouldn’t say that I am quite one now. I used to do a quiz about Mr. Kuhn to start the school year. One of the questions was, “Does Mr. Kuhn like cats or dogs?” The trick answer was, “No.” But now, we have two cats and nine chickens. And I have a wife and three boys who are very attached to those pets. We’ve experienced loss, with animal life taken by a car, various creatures of prey, carelessness, and a horrific event that involves a curious, rambunctious kitten climbing a ladder and jumping from the attic to the garage below. We haven’t however, become callous to death or loss of animals. The opposite has happened. We’ve learned to be as responsible as possible. The boys double check coop doors, they ask if we have made arrangements for someone else to close up the chickens, they wake up in the middle of the night afraid the cats are still out and not in the garage. Their concern has worn off on me. I more than tolerate the pets. I… I… I at least appreciate them… most of the time.As I stood prayerfully at the pole and read the sign, my thoughts bounced from how my boys would feel over a missing pet, to the despair that some child must be feeling, to how God views each and every Peruvian that walked past that park and every person who walks on this earth. LOST. Lost like the Sheep, Lost like the Coin, Lost like the Son. (Luke 15).

It breaks God’s heart.
And it broke mine.
I pray it continues to break mine.
Is your heart broken for those who are lost?

Operation: “Add a Kuhn” Birth to Finalization

July 7, 2014 chadkuhn No Comments Adoption, Life

I have really got to be more consistent with these adoption updates. Oh, wait! We are almost to the end of the adoption process.

Let me catch you up… Hattie Jo was born November 25. We took her birth mother to her scheduled appointment (she had already been dilated 5 cm for two and a half weeks) and from there straight to the hospital. Within 40 minutes of check-in Hattie was here, well before the doctor. The action drama of those moments from leaving the office up until delivery is quite a story, but one we usually just tell in person. The emotional drama of the next two and a half days was quite draining and incredibly rewarding.

First the hospital checked with the birth mother and then immediately offered a room for Rachel and me to stay next door. We were able to see Hattie almost anytime we wanted, while the birth mother took care of all the all the feedings and diaper changes. People came and went, more than were expected, and each brought about a stronger feeling of uncertainty for Rachel and me.

We became more and more concerned that we would not be going home with Hattie, that her birth mother was experiencing a change of heart, would ask a family member to take the baby instead. When it finally came time to leave, she revealed her true conflict, “Don’t let her hate me. Please don’t let her hate me,” she begged.

What a revelation. We drove home in tears of happiness, and arrived home at 12:30 am Thanksgiving Day. What a Thanksgiving it was.

And now 7 months later, our little girl is the greatest blessing I can imagine. Two weeks from today we will finalize her adoption, tying up all the paperwork, getting a new birth certificate, allowing us to get her social security number. AND we will officially dedicate our little girl to God, surrounded by friends and family and church at our home.

Both ceremonies will formally and officially acknowledge what is already a fact. Hattie Jo is already completely a member of our family and we daily pray that her life will honor God. That said, I am excited for both and can’t wait for July 21 to get here.

I Thought Your Face Fell Off!

July 5, 2014 chadkuhn No Comments Funny, Life

I’ve shared this story several times and decided that it was time to share in writing.

Since I started shaving my head in 2004 (at 24 years old), I have had lots of different reactions to my bald head. One lady told me that one day, when I couldn’t grow hair, I would regret shaving my head now. Several kids have been scared of the bald guy. Some people want to rub my head, while others are amazed that I have to shave it every day with a Headblade to look this smooth. The best reaction was from a lady out in Missouri, several years ago.

The lady walked into the school’s front office right after I had hung up and began looking up the next number. I was making phone calls to the students who would be attending my summer school class the next day. This was in a school that didn’t have phones in the classrooms, so I was at the front desk, behind the high countertop that many schools have. Since I had just come back in from lunch on a sunny summer day, I had my sunglasses on, but had pushed them up on top of my head. Make sure you picture this. Sunglasses on my head, phone to my ear, looking straight down at a piece of paper, half-hidden by the high countertop.

Suddenly, I heard her gasp. I looked up at her in surprise.

She covered her mouth with her hand. Then whispered, as if she had just seen a ghost, “I thought your FACE FELL OFF!”

Operation: “Add a Kuhn” Falls into Place

October 22, 2013 chadkuhn No Comments Adoption, Life

Where do I start? So much has happened since I last posted in July. Most of it was completely expected. Summer vacations came to an end. I crammed to get ready for my new position as Computer Science teacher in the middle school. Ryan went to both new student orientations (so he could see as many people as possible before school started). Joel and Miles got letters in the mail from their new teachers. Rachel continued with a few cross-country trips to meet with her team.

Some of it was not expected. Not yet. On the second day of school, I got a call during my plan time. The agency had a birth mother who had seen our profile and wanted to meet with us. The next day. Or in eleven days on Labor Day. Well, it turned out that Rachel had a flight out the next day, so we had to wait. We waited, hoping that we weren’t missing out, hoping that she wasn’t meeting with other adoptive parents.

Miles’ old room is quickly becoming the nursery

On Labor Day, we left our boys with my parents at our extended family gathering and drove off for a meeting. I won’t go into all the details, but we met the birth mother and liked her. And she liked us. She was in a tough situation and knew that she would not be able to raise the baby herself. She asked if we wanted to know if it was a boy or girl, and seemed excited to tell us that she wanted to place her baby girl with us. (We had submitted our profile, and she had picked us to interview all before she knew the gender.)

We drove home, heads spinning, as we began to imagine what our fall would be like. We prayed that God would guide and that He would provide. A few more pieces of paperwork later and we were matched. An official announcement was made on the agency’s Facebook page, and we continued to plan for how our house our home would look with a baby girl in it.

I shared recently that God has impressed on me that Christianity is manifested in Love and when I read the New Testament I see Love manifested in Generosity. We went into this in February saying that God had called us to give a family, and now we have been blessed to have family and friends stand beside us in generosity as we prepare to do that. We have quite the baby clothes collection and are almost done accumulating the baby furniture. All this at very little cost to us.

Now, with about a month to go, our biggest need is what it has always been: prayer. Please pray with us and for us as we prepare to be the parents of a girl for the first time and of a baby for the first time in eight years. Pray for the grant applications we have sent out, to help cover the cost we have already paid, and the cost we have coming up. Pray about giving towards our adoption costs or joining our financial support team as Rachel continues to send missionaries to South America. Pray for the birth mother, that God will protect her heart and that this adoption will be a positive thing for her, a turning point in her life as God pursues her like He does us all.

Thank you for your support, for the kind words of encouragement and the gifts of onesies, changing pads and hand-me-downs, etc. etc.

As another friend shared today, if you are interested in the process, if you feel God tugging at your heart to open your home and family to foster or adopt, we’d be glad to share our story in detail. Our agency just emailed that they have six more situations this week. There is always a need for people who can adopt.

30-Minute Epic Fail

September 19, 2013 chadkuhn No Comments Funny, Life

About three weeks ago I had a horrible half-hour. It all started when I didn’t have enough deck boards to finish the top-rail on my deck. I loaded up my three sons and headed to Westerville to pick up a few boards at The Home Depot. I exchanged a few items I didn’t need, grabbed the boards I did need and headed to the parking lot to load up.

One twelve foot deck board would fit in the van perfectly, from the dash up front, across the back bench seat to the back hatch. The second twelve-footer was just a bit too long because of the angle of the windshield. Looking back, I realize I could have placed the boards side by side and been on my way with no problems. Instead, I acted quickly. If the boards were too long, I’d have to change the angle of the boards to get them to fit. I immediately grabbed the latch to fold the seat down, but I forgot to pull the boards back first. As the back of the boards dropped down, the front of the boards levered up, pushing into my windshield and producing a loud, “Crack!” I looked to the front of the van and saw spider crack going at least twelve inches in all directions.

#Fail.

My windshield while still in the parking lot

#DoubleFail.

A phone call on the way home confirmed that the window was not reparable. I felt sick to my stomach as I drove the 30 minutes home. As I pulled into the driveway, my first thought was to get the stupid boards out of the van as soon as possible and then to pull out my insurance policy to check my liability. I threw the van in park, grabbed my phone and jumped out of the van. As I bailed out of the van, I hit my phone on the steering wheel and it was knocked from my hand. My two-week old Galaxy SIII flipped through the air in slow-motion before it landed face down in the gravel drive-way. Two cracked pieces of glass in one half-hour.

I felt like a complete idiot, who had just wasted a bunch of money that we really didn’t have. It took me a while, but I remembered that I am not my mistakes. I’m not worth any less because a couple things went really, really wrong. I’m still a dad and a husband and a teacher. I’m still me, and I like that most of the time.

Fortunately, the bill for the windshield was less than I expected and I was able to replace the glass on my phone for less than $15. Like usual, things weren’t as bad as they first seemed.

What about you? Have you ever had a string of misfortune? How did you react? How long did it affect you?

Lazy Preaching

July 3, 2013 chadkuhn No Comments Life

In my travels this summer I’ve heard several sermons from different preachers. Some were good, some were great; some were… not. I expect a pastor to have studied the scripture, connected it to other scriptures, carefully considered the original context and thoughtfully and prayerfully crafted a message that brings practical application to the congregation. Some, however just don’t. Some appear to give the passage a brief skimming then focus on a line or two of scripture, then spend their creative energies trying to conform the passage to their own agenda. Some ignore the context and message all together, and instead of trying to enlighten, encourage or instruct the listener, they try to entertain, making jokes at every turn, apparently judging the success of the message with a laugh-o-meter.

One particular sermon sticks in my craw. The “text” was presented as being from Philippians 2:5-11, an amazing instructional passage encouraging the Philippians to give up vain ambitions, to serve selflessly, following the example of Christ. The pastor instead, used only the line, “Have the mind of Christ,” in his sermon and used it to push a legalistic agenda. He glorified church attendance and Bible reading, as an end not a means. He used anecdotes to lift up the example of a friend who was most of the time “away from the Lord,” but made his kids go to bed at 10 on Saturdays so they could be in church. Because that’s the way it should be. He told us to read the Bible daily, because we brush our teeth daily. Not to grow, not to learn, not for the joy of developing a relationship with our Creator and Savior. Just because we should…. “have the mind of Christ,” and Christ did what was expected of him. The only other thing I remember was that he hinted strongly that parents should (be able to) spank and asked for “Amens,” repeatedly.

Now, none of these “points” is wrong. We should want to be in communion with other believers and are encouraged by the writer of Hebrews not to “give up meeting together as some are in the habit of doing, but encourage one another.” (10:25) However, nothing in this scripture commands us to be in church “every time the doors are open.” When preached without the joy of community, this reeks of Pharisaical legalism. Reading the Bible daily issomething we should do, not as a chore; not as we brush our teeth, but with delight. Psalm 1:1-2 tells us, “Blessed is the one… whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and who meditates on it day and night.” This delight in God’s law reminds me of a fiction buff’s passion for reading, a stat head’s propensity for crunching numbers. The meditation reminds me of the way I look at my wife, considering every freckle, the little scar on her cheek, the sparkle in her blue eyes when she catches me looking at her and smiles back. We should delight in God’s Word to us and meditate on it as we gaze into the eyes of a lover, not endure it as we brush, floss and gargle at the sink for five minutes before bed. As for corporal punishment, discipline is necessary and the Proverbs 13:24 tells us, “Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them,” but how does discipline and spanking fit with a text on humility?

Someone apparently spent less than five minutes with this scripture and missed out. He missed out on Christ’s humility that led him to wash his disciples feet. (John 13:4-17) He missed out that this whole passage about having the mind of Christ, isn’t really about obedience, but about peace, fellowship and love through humility, servant-hood and sacrifice. He missed out, as did everyone who laughed at the jokes, and everyone who amen-ed when prompted, and everyone who left church thinking they had been fed.

When pastors present the Word with such haphazard irreverence, presenting their agenda rather than revelation, they set themselves on a pedestal. They disrespect the Word, and the One who sent it, contradicting Philippians 2:3 “Don’t try to impress others.” They would be better off to read the scripture and sit down. John 13:16 tells us that after Jesus washed the disciples’ feet he told them, “Nor is the messenger greater than the one who sends the message.” And James 3:1 cautions us, “Dear brothers and sisters, not many of you should become teachers in the church, for we who teach will be judged more strictly.”

On a positive note, such lazy preaching has motivated me to read closer with more intention, to delight in and meditate on the Word of God.

Operation: Add a Kuhn

June 28, 2013 chadkuhn No Comments Adoption, Life

Rachel just announced publicly on Facebook that we are adopting and have just finished an approved home-study and are now heading into the waiting stage to be matched. With that info completely public now, here is what I wrote about the process when we were about 5 weeks into actively pursuing adoption, on March 14, 2013.

How did we get here? How did we decide that our fairly comfortable life with 3 boys in a nice house needed to have a baby in it? How did that happen?

It’s quite simple. And quite complex. The simple answer is that God called us to this. The complex answer includes thoughts and emotions, it involves obedience and a couple babies, it involves a sermon and some role models and story sharing. The complex answer is, well, complex.

Last summer Rachel called me from Africa, in tears she told me that God had asked her (us) to say, “Yes.” We’ve tried to make a habit of saying yes. Saying yes took us to Kansas City Missouri right out of college. Saying yes brought us back to Ohio almost 7 years later. But this time we didn’t know what saying yes meant. It was scary and hard.

So we said yes in the little things. We took more time to pray together. We became more intentional about seeking God’s will and saying, “Yes,” in the small things. And we waited.

Then Rachel spoke at a church where a grandmother had guardianship of her 2 week-old grandson, and the entire afternoon Jaquan was either in my arms or Rachel’s. On the way home we looked at each other and said something like, “Wow. We could have just taken that boy home for good. He probably needs it, and we could do that.”

Christmas came around. This season has caused me increasing discomfort in recent years, as I see all the stuff we have, all the stuff that isn’t really used. I hear the boys say, “I want one of those!” and I cringe at the materialistic sound of it. I hear myself say, “Man I need some new running shoes, and lights to run with, and a new phone would be awesome,” and I cringe.

Then Rachel brought up the idea of really giving at Christmas. We took a large portion of what we usually spend on the boys, and we asked them to help us spend it on some kids the school social worker told us would not be getting much of a Christmas. We prayed for the kids and we dreamed of what we could give them. We shopped and purchased and wrapped. Giving at Christmas that year was amazing. It moved giving to the forefront of our minds.

In January our church had a Sanctity of Life service. Much of the service was about why abortion is wrong, and I admit, I checked out a little bit, feeling there wasn’t much in the sermon for me act on. Then the Pastor challenged us to make a difference.

“Don’t be obnoxious and picket, be forgiving and compassionate.”
Ok, no problem- I think.

“Pray for and support the local pregnancy center.”
I get those emails. I pray. Money is harder to come by.

“Adopt if you can.”
Whoa! Jaquan immediately came to my mind, and I thought, “We could do that.”

The service continued with the story of Steve and Joy, of their heart wrenching loss of three babies, before their adoption of a little girl. Again I was moved and felt the encouraging thought, “We could do that.”I was pretty quiet about what I was feeling in my heart. Then in early January, our nephew Parker was born. Unfortunately his big brother, Landon had been through a series of infections and the doctor wanted them separate for a while, so two week-old Parker came to our house for five days. Suddenly we were changing diapers and getting up in the night to fix bottles. Rachel and I looked at each other and said, “We can do this. Again”A few days after Parker went home, my activator of a wife was checking out adoption agencies online. “We can do that,” had become, “We want to do that,” and “God want us to do that.” As she read testimonials on websites, I repeatedly heard some form of, “Our family just didn’t feel complete.” I told Rachel that I didn’t feel like that at all. I don’t feel an empty spot in our family where a baby is supposed to be. I’m not saying that others are not perfectly correct in saying they feel that way. I’m saying I don’t. I just feel God leading us to give, like He did at Christmas. Except now we are to give a family.

Now, every step we take towards giving someone a family feels right, and each leads my heart to having a open spot, a spot for our someday child.